Living in America, very few of us know what life is like outside of a Democracy is like; let alone in a hierarchy ruled by a sovereign leader like a king or queen. We grew up in a world of hot dogs and football (the fake football where it’s mostly hands) and would have no clue how to act in a kingdom. Royalty throughout the age were often treated with much more respect than we treat our leaders nowadays. Although we live in a democracy now, in the millennial reign of Christ, and I daresay for all eternity, we will be living in a kingdom and serving our King, Jesus.
Not to say that any traditions that we have here on earth will actually translate into that Kingdom, but for the heck of it, let’s pretend that they will. How will we be expected to act in the presence of King Jesus? What do we need to know ahead of time so that we do not make a fool of ourselves?
Well fear not! Because I love history and have the tips just for you!
BOOM:
The 8 Things You Need to Know For Eternity’s Kingdom
1. They tell you what to wear
When you get an invitation to be in the presence of royalty, you will be told what type of dress is appropriate for the occasion. So if Jesus tells you to dress like a chicken--
you better do it. I know you just got a new robe, but it’s chicken-attire only and you don't want to be the only one in a robe! THAT would be awkward.
2. Obeisance
That’s the fancy word for waiting in line to bow/curtsy before your sovereign. It's basically the worst theme park ride ever. You better be on your game though. Bow too far and you’ll get laughed at. Curtsy wrong and you might fall over. It’s a lot of pressure and probably the reason why our standard greeting these days is a high five. Just watch the elbow and you’ll never go wrong. Works every time.
3. Name Game
Never call a royal by their real name. They’re always going to be called some form of Your Majesty/Royal Highness/Duchess of Hamburgers. For Jesus, I’m sure it’ll be Your Royal Seven-Eyed Lamb. Or maybe Your Majestic Son of Man. Or it could be Your Beautiful Beardly Prince of Peace...Your Worthy-Of-It-All-Ness... WAIT Fresh Prince of Peace!! Okay...I’m done.
4. Don’t Touch ‘Dem
Just like Willie Mays and blasting caps, don’t touch ‘dem. Jimmy Carter learned this the hard way when he planted one on the Queen Mother and she royally flipped out. He wasn't invited back. Wait for them to offer you their hand and shake it gently like a dead fish. Royals love dead fish handshakes.
5. You Better Sing
National Anthems are a big deal. If you don’t know the words to yours you better believe all your friends know you probably shop at Walmart a little too much. Everyone who shops at Target knows the national anthem. I’m 100% positive the national anthem of King Jesus will be “How He Loves”. It’s a sloppy wet kingdom and don’t you forget it!
6. Break The Wrist, Walk Away
Just kidding. Don’t break Jesus’ wrist. That’s mean and it’ll put you on his naughty list (He has one of those, right?). The way that you walk away from a royal is very important. It’s traditional to back away at least ten feet before you turn around and continue your brisk* walk toward the door. Knowing Jesus He’d probably have an angel appear behind you while you’re walking backwards and trip you. Don’t panic. This just means He loves you. Just pick yourself up, give Him a wink, and continue walking. Or fly. We’ll totally be able to fly. (fingers crossed)
7. Leave Your Weaponry at Home
Sorry, Civil War Reenactors...
8. Your Favorite Dog is Now the Corgi
If Queen Elizabeth II has taught us anything about royals it’s that they all love Welsh
Corgis. And if I know anything about Jesus they’ll be His favorite dog too. You won’t have to
because I own a corgi. It’s just a fact. Corgis are herding dogs commonly used to herd
sheep. Jesus is the LAMB of God. That's no coincidence.
There you have it! I hope you can remember all of these important rules for the eternal kingdom. Good luck out there.
Zinkster out.
*speed-walking is completely acceptable
Hmm, now I don't like Jimmy Carter, but I'm thinking that if the Queen didn't like his kiss then she should've just snarled and moved on. She is not our Queen after all, and American President trumps British Queen any day (well, nowadays). Is that American snooty of me? Yeah, probably :)
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