Jesus is my Wingman

As a young single Christian girl I'm well aware of the belief that girls should "wait to be pursued".

"Don't pursue a relationship with a guy, let them come to you." 

This sounds all fine and holy in theory, but as I am getting older it's beginning to feel like a load of crap. I don't subscribe to the theory of  "the one" person for everyone, despite what Christian Mingle tries to tell me. Sitting around waiting for a great relationship to come to me is a great way to turn me into a spinster. I have to play a part in the process as well to find "God's match for me". 

The main problem I have with being part of the process is that I'm 24 and the last official date I've had was to junior prom (here's looking at you Zach Williams). Real talk. In waiting to be pursued I've lost all opportunity to practice how to act with romantic interest. Sure, I've had a few fellas look my way over the years but nothing ever came of it. You know why? I'm a terrible flirt. I know nothing about dating. Everything I know about boys was learned before the age of five. I revert back into a small child almost immediately upon attractive-male contact and the conversation ends with me mentioning boogers or insulting him beyond reproach. 

So I had to consult the big guy upstairs about how to act. Jesus has become my wingman. He tells me when I'm being too clingy or mean. He says "Hey that's a handsome dude over there" He gives me hints on how to have a decent conversation with a fella. Our conversations typically go like this: 

"What do I say to him, Jesus?" 

"Just be cool. Be aloof- but still available." 

"Ohh snap, Jesus, he responded to my text. What do I say?" 

"Ask him what kind of donkey he drives lololol" 

"Dag nabit, Jesus, get it together." 

Me & Me

     Remember those old quizzes on Facebook? The kind where you'd get tagged in about fifty of them until you decided to post answers to all of these random questions about you with a title like "Okay I guess I'll give in"? I know you do. I stumbled upon many of these that I posted from 2008-2009. I found them insightful and entertaining. I have since removed them from Facebook, but not before keeping the best ones to post here.

     When I answered this particular quiz I was 19 years old. I had been out of high school for less than a year. I wasn't a cool as I am now. #truth

      For the heck of it I've included my reaction to what was originally written, you know, to add some spice.

I forgot to have a comment on #18. I still can't think of anything. 

Tweespam

    It's common knowledge by now that people will use the internet to try and scam you. It started way back with the Nigerian prince who made us think "Why me? And how did this prince get my email address?" If you're on Twitter (and I seriously hope you are and that you follow me) then you've probably encountered some sort of spam. Spammers apparently target key words in a tweet and almost immediately reply to your tweet containing that keyword with a link. I used to get annoyed with these, especially because for a while they were profiles with links that obviously took you to the more unsavory areas of the internet. I got pretty good at reporting accounts for spam.

    A few weeks ago I discovered that these spam accounts were actually kind of humorous in their description as well as the nonsense they tweeted. I've been screen shooting their accounts THEN reporting them for spam. They are gone now but will live on forever here, on my blog.

   Let's start with some of the names and bios:

First, I'm pretty sure if you lost six pounds in one week you wouldn't be "rofl"ing, you would be roThis name sounds like something that I would make up if all of the sudden I had a job making up names for Twitter spam. #dreamjob 

At first I thought these bios were really funny due to their specific and personal nature- then I compared them to mine...

Oh. These are...similar. Also I can't get that dot after "Lactose Intolerant" to move. 

And now comes the beautiful literature that comes from these spammers. It's poetic. It's worthy of a Pulitzer. It's gibberish. 

I don't have that you all it do me, Sorry. 

Sales

Mascara companies will say anything to make a sale. Lashes that are "virtually endless" may sound great for some but to me it sounds absolutely terrifying.

Fake Band Covers Part 2

I'm not going to give much introduction to the second part in my series of fake band covers. If you like what you see you can click here to see Part 1!

These bands are all completely fake. But maybe one day they'll be real. 

The final product for this one was a happy accident. 

I hope you all enjoy what I'm creating. I have had a really fun time with this project. It's great practice albeit time consuming. Keep your ears out for fake band names and send them to me or leave a comment. I'll make a cover and put it in the next installment of the series with a shout out for you!

When I Was a Kid

    When I was growing up, I doodled all the time. I was constantly drawing something. Anything. I went through Crayola markers monthly. I was always begging for new colored pencils. I adored drawing.

     I wasn't super creative about the content of my drawings, however. I began thinking last night about what I remember drawing often and I narrowed it down to only 11 subjects. I even went through my 8th grade sketchbook and found some actual proof, along with some doozies that made me question my upbringing. But it was mostly funny to see what 14-year-old me was thinking about.

     Let's start with my discovery of real music. I had grown up mostly on Christian music- not that there's anything wrong with it, DC Talk were the bomb, but sometime into my early teens I was given a Beatles CD and I was never the same. I began to branch out listening to other well-known artists, and in that search I found Sir Elton John.

    I was impossibly good at memorizing music lyrics. I always learned something better when there was a song to help me remember it. And since this was the days of CD players, and I was in school, I had to rely on my head to "listen" to the songs that I loved. The contents of my 8th grade sketch book were almost entirely drawn during my final period study hall. So most of the time I was bored. So bored that this was the result:

I don't know why. I just don't know why. 

      I had no clue back then that I would now be a graphic designer. I was just trying to deal with braces and frizzy hair. I don't know the story surrounding this next photo- all I  know is I don't think it would be a huge success. 

Who is Jared? The Subway guy? Has he been around for that long? I have so many questions. 

      I'm sure most children has their go-to scenes when their parents told them to "go color". Really you can only draw multi-colored squiggles for so long before your parents wonder what kind of brain damage you suffered and you need to move on to something better. Mine drawings came down to the following: 

Every kid drew the corner sun. Mine got squiggly lines because I liked to think UV rays were happy rays. 

It always had the hole. Always. 

Not only did I draw this flower. I think every girl I knew drew this flower. I always wanted to get every petal perfect. As you can see I don't care anymore. 

The palm tree varied over the years but it was always a constant. I might have even thrown a corner sun in there with it. 

I loved the Powerpuff Girls. A lot. I was particularly fond of Bubbles. Which is weird because I usually don't like blondes (sorry). As you can see I still have the ability to draw her likeness with astonishing realism. *note: her left eye got struck by a lazer from Mojo Jojo and she's really insecure about it so stop staring at it. 

CATS. I've always loved cats. And you almost couldn't be my friend if you didn't love them too. I always gave my cats tails with personality. This one I call Zazzles. I think you'll find he's quite zazzy. 

One trip to the Scottish Highland Games and I was obsessed with this flag. I don't think I ever drew it proportionally correct. But that didn't keep me from trying, yo. 

I have pages and pages of pillow designs. I'm not sure why I wanted to sew my own pillows, but I never learned to sew and most of them are pretty ugly. 

I was not a fan of the typical star that children drew. You know the one where it's all one continuous motion and there are lines EVERYWHERE. No that didn't fly for me. So I decided I was going to draw them the real way. Except that's actually pretty difficult. So they ended up just looking like happy stars. And I was okay with that. 

The only reason I can think drawing lots of tornados is okay is that they're relatively easy to draw. Squiggly lines galore. 

Particularly the flags hanging in my classrooms. I almost never attempted the American flag. There were too many lines and stars. But the Christian flag was perfect. I have pages and pages of these flags. They were probably the thing I drew best. 

"I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag and to the Savior for whose Kingdom it stands. One Savior, crucified, risen and coming again, for life and salvation for all who believe." 

For eleven years I said that pledge every morning. Christian school gets into your bones. In a creepy invasive way. 

I will leave you now with retarded Simba. 

What did you used to draw when you were a kid? Leave a comment! 

Amish You

       The Amish are, as my mother would say, "in vogue". There are all sorts of reality shows on television these days depicting Amish youths going wild in New York City or Amish mafia members walking angrily through a field. All are staged. Props to "The Learning Channel" for propagating lies to the American public for the sake of entertainment. In the spirit of posting a slew of pictures about currently popular trends, I thought I would feature some of the best Amish jokes the internet had to offer. Why are the Amish suddenly so popular? I haven't the foggiest.

         I have a friend who is a fan of my blog who requested I post more content because he is greedy. Since I've been out of town and haven't had time to work on much of anything, I thought I would whip up something quick to appease the masses/this one person. Josh Hostetler runs the slightly-satirical-but-never-questionable blog known as Amish Hipster. I enjoy his posts as well as our interaction on Twitter. Since I needed something to post, I'm not necessarily featuring Josh in today's post (because he's already too popular), it's more of a shout out. Winky face

So here we go...every decently funny Amish joke I could find:

The power was knocked out at my house a few weeks ago. I had to use the bathroom Amish style and a selfie was necessary to capture the moment. 

"Sorry, Pops." *deuces*

I am aware that's a picture of a Puritan...but what if it wasn't?

Double entendre alert cause dang he's got a sweaty pit. 

I especially enjoy this one because 256 is a Huntsville, AL area code. 

I hope this is legit, because this Elizabeth girl is onto something. 

         If you want more information about the Amish, you should probably go read a book because television and the internet are full of lies. Except for this blog. I am not a liar.

The Cats Are Taking Over

I've noticed something lately...

People are REALLY into cats.

More than normal.

I have proof. Below are photos screen capped from the Urban Outfitters website of cat shirts that are available for purchase. And this isn't even all of them. THERE ARE MORE THAN THIS.

Most of these are just plain ugly. I mean, I like cats, but not THAT much. I prefer shirts like this:

RAINBOW TIGER. With half his head missing :(

Note: These are only shirts from Urban Outfitters. I didn't do an image search. I didn't even bother Googling "cat shirts". I knew they would be at UO. 

I also enjoyed what my "previously viewed" turned into.