I've Been Humbled by a Piece of Plastic

I've been humiliated. And humbled. But in a humiliating way. Because it was by plastic.

I decided yesterday morning that I needed a latte from Starbucks. Partly because I was tired but mostly because I really love soy mocha lattes. So I drove over to Starbucks and was planning on going through the drive thru because I'm lazy and didn't want to get out of the car. Oh the irony.

As I was pulling up to the line a woman driving some sort of big black wish-it-was-a-Mercedes car coming from the opposite direction was sort of pulling in at the same time. I was there first though I couldn't pull all the way into the lane because of the angle and amount of room I had. So the lady pulled up kind of next to me but I thought "surely she sees that I was here first and that this is my place in line and she'll just have to wait for me to pull up before she does". Oh no. She didn't do that. As soon as the line moved she almost hits my car to skip me in line. 

I was angry. I struggle with road rage. An unfortunate characteristic I've inherited from my father. And I proceeded to call the lady in front of me "such a butt" for the next few minutes. After she ordered, then I had ordered I reached for my wallet to pull out my debit card. I had it in my hand and dropped it. Right down the crack between my seat and the center console. And it fell. All the way under my seat. And I couldn't reach it for the life of me. I tried every angle I could, even taking off my watch to make my wrist smaller, but to no avail. I had no cash. I don't own a credit card. That card was my only hope. 

It was then I realized there was only one way I was going to retrieve my lost card: I had to open my door, get out and reach under my seat. Which in my mind is probably the most embarrassing way to handle the situation. Who gets out of their car in a drive thru? Crazy people, that's who. I had to be a crazy person. 

You know when  you realize that the only way to fix something is to do something so out of the ordinary and uncomfortable that you can't fathom actually doing it, but you have to do it so you just laugh? I started laughing. There was no other way and I was about to feel embarrassed. 

As I got up to the window I informed the barista of my predicament and that I was going to pull forward a little bit (they have some metal shelf hanging off of the window and I didn't want to be smooshed) because I had dropped my card under my seat and had to retrieve it. And I did just that. Retrieving my card and walking up to the window I had unintentionally changed the original purpose of the drive thru to a walk up and handed my card to the barista to retrieve my beverage. 

I have to wonder if I had not been angry or taken offense to that woman cutting me off  if the Lord would have not had my card fall under my seat. Humbling things like this happen to me often when I get angry about trivial happenings on the road and I know it's just the Lord's way of showing me that I am nothing, I have no right to get angry about someone cutting me off and I need to learn to bless people instead of calling them butts. 

The moral of this story is:

Why I Hate Pinterest

Disclaimer: This rant may be controversial and will no doubt sound like something a hipster would complain about. I am not a hipster..

Pinterest has been in the forefront of just about every woman’s life in the last year (and even some men. I’m looking at you, Jon Acuff). Everyone seems to use it. I can’t seem to have a conversation with anyone without them mentioning something “cute” they found on Pinterest. Maybe it’s because I hate the word cute, maybe it’s because I’m just anti-establishment, but I hate Pinterest.

I have a Pinterest account. I made one two years ago just to see what my sister had pinned so I could figure out what to buy her for Christmas. I have over 100 followers but despite my friends (and even one teacher) trying to force me to use it over the years I have never been interested in it. I have interests. I like design and typography and antique things, but writing an artist's name on a piece of paper will work just as well as pinning their artwork.

I love a creative mind. Creativity that comes from inner thoughts or external stimuli (nature, the city, being with people) is the best kind of creating. In the design world it is constantly stated that simply copying someone else’s work isn't really creating at all, it's copying. That’s what I feel Pinterest does. It flaunts copying. That might be great for someone who feels that they could never be creative, but if you never stop copying you will never challenge yourself to be better at creating.

The 11th Commandment is “Thou shalt not copy”. And let’s be honest...who likes a copycat? When I was in the 5th grade I decided I wanted a charm bracelet, so I got one though the impressive begging skills that all children have. Not long after I debuted* my bracelet one of my friends showed up at school with one of her own. Then another friend. Then some girl who wanted to be our friend but was too weird. So I stopped wearing mine. (Oh gosh. Maybe I AM a hipster.) I still have some of my charms though. Just to remind me that I used to love Eeyore.

And let’s not forget all the wedding stuff. It’s everywhere. Even women who do not have a ring on their finger spend hours pinning wedding ideas “just in case”. When I get married I will have to start punching people in their ribs if they suggest I look at Pinterest for ideas. I’m THAT serious. I’m not dating anyone nor do I sit around planning my wedding but I know I will plan my wedding the old-fashioned way: using my own head.

Sites like Pinterest have completely changed the way many people use the internet and it’s not necessarily a good thing. Classic networking and the way we share ideas has been transformed in the last twenty years, but I wish it were different. I yearn for the days when ideas were shared in magazines and letters and people would get together to discuss their interests, not sit in front of a computer for hours connecting with their “friends”. My greatest memories are times when I have sat and had dinner with friends and engaged in real conversation; not the times when I’ve stared mindlessly at my computer for hours. Technology is a great asset but only if you don’t abuse it.

I have a challenge for all Pinterest addicts: Turn off your computer, put down your phone and go create something yourself. Get inspired by the life around you. Start a library. Buy a coloring book. Do SOMETHING other than staring at a screen.

*I’ve never had to spell the past tense of “debut”. It looks weird. But the Google says I’m spelling it right so I’m leaving it dadgummit.

Tales of Defeat

It’s an all-too-common occurrence. You find yourself forced by desperation and necessity of that one item that you can’t do without for one more hour on your way to that one place that is always busy on the weekends. Desperately you circle the parking lot hoping to find a space that isn’t half a mile from the door when you spot a car that is about to leave in the adjacent lane. You circle around as swiftly as one can in a parking lot while also not killing pedestrians only to find you’ve been bested by a Subaru with its blinker on. You have been defeated. You feel doomed to circle around that parking lot for all eternity.

End of scenario.

For whatever reason we give those turn signals lots of authority in these situations. It’s just a blinking light. So what if that person turned theirs on before you did? You want that parking spot as much as they do. I should just start ignoring blinkers. I hate blinking lights. I got rid of my android phone and upgraded to an iPhone just so I wouldn’t have to see that dumb blinking light anymore. I would probably become shrouded in infamy as “that one car that will always steal the parking spot that you reserved with your blinker”. I could get a personalized plate that reads “UP YOURS” just to drive my point across.

Then again that’s not what Jesus would do, so upon further reflection I have decided to not do that.

But maybe one day I’ll muster up enough gumption to be the Blinker Bandit. That’s what I’ll call myself. It involves masks and a cape and probably too much awesome for you to handle right now.

Sick Day

I've been home sick all day. I went to my first class to take a quiz then peaced out of there and have been in sweatpants ever since.  I have intense nausea. And I could almost handle that by itself. Except it's the kind of nausea that you know is just going to lead to vomiting. 

And that's the worst part. The waiting. Just knowing that it's not going to go away unless you puke. But you hate puking. You wanted to be like Jerry Seinfeld and have a non-puke streak the length of 13 years. But you're not. You're not Jerry Seinfeld. You have to puke. 

The Future is Here

           
                    If someone would have told me ten years ago that I would be able to sit in a coffee shop with a computer in my lap listening to music off of my cell phone with four buttons and order a sandwich on the internet I would have said "Zedis Lapedis!" because I would have believed the world had finally turned into the 21st century depicted in the Disney classic Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century. And yet this is the reality I am living in. The future is here. Sandwiches.

Royalty Etiquette: How to Treat Your King

Living in America, very few of us know what life is like outside of a Democracy is like; let alone in a hierarchy ruled by a sovereign leader like a king or queen. We grew up in a world of hot dogs and football (the fake football where it’s mostly hands) and would have no clue how to act in a kingdom. Royalty throughout the age were often treated with much more respect than we treat our leaders nowadays. Although we live in a democracy now, in the millennial reign of Christ, and I daresay for all eternity, we will be living in a kingdom and serving our King, Jesus.

Not to say that any traditions that we have here on earth will actually translate into that Kingdom, but for the heck of it, let’s pretend that they will. How will we be expected to act in the presence of King Jesus? What do we need to know ahead of time so that we do not make a fool of ourselves?

Well fear not! Because I love history and have the tips just for you!

BOOM:

The 8 Things You Need to Know For Eternity’s Kingdom

1. They tell you what to wear

      When you get an invitation to be in the presence of royalty, you will be told what type of dress is appropriate for the occasion. So if Jesus tells you to dress like a chicken--

you better do it. I know you just got a new robe, but it’s chicken-attire only and you don't want to be the only one in a robe! THAT would be awkward.

2. Obeisance

      That’s the fancy word for waiting in line to bow/curtsy before your sovereign. It's basically the worst theme park ride ever. You better be on your game though. Bow too far and you’ll get laughed at. Curtsy wrong and you might fall over. It’s a lot of pressure and probably the reason why our standard greeting these days is a high five. Just watch the elbow and you’ll never go wrong. Works every time.

3. Name Game

      Never call a royal by their real name. They’re always going to be called some form of Your Majesty/Royal Highness/Duchess of Hamburgers. For Jesus, I’m sure it’ll be Your Royal Seven-Eyed Lamb. Or maybe Your Majestic Son of Man. Or it could be Your Beautiful Beardly Prince of Peace...Your Worthy-Of-It-All-Ness... WAIT Fresh Prince of Peace!! Okay...I’m done.

4. Don’t Touch ‘Dem

Just like Willie Mays and blasting caps, don’t touch ‘dem. Jimmy Carter learned this the hard way when he planted one on the Queen Mother and she royally flipped out. He wasn't invited back. Wait for them to offer you their hand and shake it gently like a dead fish. Royals love dead fish handshakes.

5. You Better Sing

     National Anthems are a big deal. If you don’t know the words to yours you better believe all your friends know you probably shop at Walmart a little too much. Everyone who shops at Target knows the national anthem. I’m 100% positive the national anthem of King Jesus will be “How He Loves”. It’s a sloppy wet kingdom and don’t you forget it!

6. Break The Wrist, Walk Away

Just kidding. Don’t break Jesus’ wrist. That’s mean and it’ll put you on his naughty list (He has one of those, right?). The way that you walk away from a royal is very important. It’s traditional to back away at least ten feet before you turn around and continue your brisk* walk toward the door. Knowing Jesus He’d probably have an angel appear behind you while you’re walking backwards and trip you. Don’t panic. This just means He loves you. Just pick yourself up, give Him a wink, and continue walking. Or fly. We’ll totally be able to fly. (fingers crossed)

7. Leave Your Weaponry at Home

Sorry, Civil War Reenactors...

8. Your Favorite Dog is Now the Corgi
If Queen Elizabeth II has taught us anything about royals it’s that they all love Welsh  

Corgis. And if I know anything about Jesus they’ll be His favorite dog too. You won’t have to  

 pretend though, one look at this face and you’ll be hooked too. I’m definitely not saying this 

 because I own a corgi. It’s just a fact. Corgis are herding dogs commonly used to herd  

sheep. Jesus is the LAMB of God. That's no coincidence.  

There you have it! I hope you can remember all of these important rules for the eternal kingdom. Good luck out there.

Zinkster out.

*speed-walking is completely acceptable

God Bless Me

It's 1:45AM.

I'm eating a turkey sandwich with a questionable amount of yellow mustard because I cannot take my allergy medicine on an empty stomach. And I can't sleep if I don't take my allergy medicine because I'm allergic to everything. Dogs, cats (both of which live in my house), dust & lots of fun lung-ruining molds that require expensive inhalers.

This is what happened:

God bless me. Good night.

Dreams

I wouldn't say I dream more than the average person. I don't remember everything I dream and often wake up wishing I could push out even more details from my mind of what I had been dreaming.

I do, however, dream very repetitive dreams. Not so much that it's the same dream over and over again, but in my dreams I often visit the same places. There is my house, my church and my school, all three exactly as they exist in real life, yet always slightly different. Then there is a warehouse store, a mall, a parking lot and a big house. Many people have been in my dreams and we have had a myriad of silly or scary adventures. Sometimes I can hover really high above the ground, but I've never been able to fly.

Every now and then I'll have a dream where I'm someplace new. These dreams I cherish because I feel like they're a gift from the Lord. Call me crazy but I am a firm believer that dreams and visions in the night are the best way for God to communicate to his children. Heck, even the design & name for this blog was given to me in a dream!

I love my relationship with my Father because I know He shows me places and gives me ideas while I sleep, because it's the one time in the day when I listen to Him without talking back.

Last night I had a dream I was back at my former high school. I was in my uniform, I threw on my monogrammed sweatshirt over my polo, grabbed my purse and headed to the cafeteria for lunch. I went in the line just as if I had never left and ordered a grilled cheese with turkey (which is way fancier than we ever really had in the cafeteria). I sat down with a group of people that I had never eaten lunch with. They were all from different social groups and even different grade levels but we had one thing in common with me: we were in concert choir together.

The man across from me, and I say man to say he really was a very burly man, with a big beard and long hair (neither of which were allowed at my school), started humming a tune in a beautiful bassy voice. Soon others around him started filling in other parts and I sat and marveled at how talented my friends were. When they stopped I told the man that it was a beautiful tune and that he should write it down.

"I wouldn't know where to begin" he replied, confirming my suspicions that he was not in the choir at all and did not even go to the school. I grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled a few lines to look like sheet music and began drawing notes as if I knew exactly how to write music. Confirming with my friend next to me if one note was a flat or regular I finished the tune. Then I woke up.

I don't know about you but I take that as a gift. I just wrote a song in my sleep. So I grabbed a piece of paper, sat down at my piano (I play the piano now. Pianos are cool.) and figured out the tune just as the bassy man had sung it. I don't know what I'll do with my tune. Maybe I'll start a band called Bassy Beards and it'll be our hit. We'll see.

Have you ever dreamt of anything and turned it into a reality?

The Number One

Bonjour, Nerds!

     A new year, a new blog. A new place to share my nonsense.

     Come...join me as I embark on a silly adventure in 2013.

     I don't know what I will post, I suppose I'll find out as I go. Maybe some stories. Maybe some photos. We'll see. It'll be cute. I'll think about it.



Zinkster out