Almost two weeks ago my mother and father sat my sister and I down in our living room and told us some terrifying news. Mom has a mass in one of the chambers of her heart and has to have open-heart surgery. Woah.
I spent the entirety of last week in the hospital with my mom. Monday she went in to the ER with symptoms of stroke. They were minor. She was fine. But she had to stay at the hospital until her surgery. She then spent the next six days in the hospital, the days after the surgery in the ICU with tubes sticking out of her and barely getting any rest. It was a long week. I brought her home on Saturday and then we entered the "mumu stage". Literally. I bought her an old lady mumu.
I tried all week to find the humor in what was going on. I'm really good at finding the funny in a terrible situation. I have a hard time being serious and will always be the first one to crack a joke after the chaos. Maybe that's why I was so exhausted the whole week: constant exposure to people and constant exposure to hospital gloom. A terrible combination for my little introvert brain. Either way...it was hard to find the humor in open heart surgery.
Today I found the silver lining. Above all of the cards in the mail or the free food being given to us the flowers arriving at our door daily have been the best part. I love flowers. I can't keep plants alive but I love it that other people can and I can buy them. We received a beautiful arrangement just after lunch. I opened the door and literally exclaimed "Holy poop! Those are beautiful!" That in itself made for an awkward exchange between me and the delivery lady who had frizzy 80's hair.
Having such a menagerie of lovely blooms at my disposal I decided to break out my camera and go to town. Photographing inanimate objects every now and then is a good practice for someone who has done nothing but portraits for months!
I had to throw in one of my cat. For good measure.
We appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers throughout this journey. I know my mom, who as I write this is approaching hour 3 of her Percocet-induced nap, really appreciates every visit, text, bloom and meal! She is getting better every day. Although she cannot do certain things by herself (like drive) for six weeks, we expect she'll be back to herself in no time!
Yesterday I was blessed among women to be able to sit on stools in a hipster coffee shop and drink trendy lattes with two very funny ladies. We had some laughs and I learned so much about them. I have been wanting to sit and have an interview chat with the two of them for a while. Unfortunately Kelanie is a superstar who travels all the time but I managed to snag her in between her trips to Hawaii and Thailand (Her job is SO hard, you guys).
First I will go through the formalities of introductions. I know it's boring, but it has to be done you guys. We'll start with Liz.
Liz is a very specific type of awesome that I like to call "southern". She hails from Charleston, SC which although it is much farther north than Jacksonville it's about 10x more southern which means its inhabitants are 10x more funny. Like southern people or not they have a special way of being funny because they are honest and they do not pretend to be something they are not. Liz is funny. Charleston Funny.
Kelanie is a superstar musician. She is a worship leader based out of Jacksonville, FL and has been leading worship at my church New Life Christian Fellowship for about 8 years. I also have the privilege to sing & play bass with her at IHOP Jax. She has sharp wit and she can eat giant burritos even though she is a very small person. You can check out her music on Itunes.
To start off our gathering I had the two thumb wrestle to the death to determine who's name would appear first in the title of this segment. Tooth & nail they fought, each effort more valiant than the last. Taking their lives literally into their own hands they tousled to and fro all whist maintaining their feminine grace. Liz emerged victorious. Kelanie didn't seem surprised.
I came prepared with 21 questions: Some worked better than others. Below are the gems. The conversations that shined brighter and brought a smile to my face. I hope you enjoy.
R: You know even as I was writing this question I thought "Kelanie's answer is going to be something off of Misty's new album"
K: That's because I listened to her album 12 times yesterday
L: Does anyone want to taste my curry latte?
R: I do not enjoy curry.
K: It doesn't taste like indian food. I thought it would taste like indian food.
R: Liz you work with my brother- How many times have you walked past his office and seen him picking his nose?
L: Seventeen.
R: I thought the number would be high.
L: His office used to be my office and there's a great annointing for nose picking in there. And for passing gas.
R: How many times do you personally pick your nose a day?
K: Zero
L: BULL CRAP
K: I broke that habit years ago.
L: You. Are. Lying!
K: I don't pick my nose. I blow my nose.
R: Even when there are crusties stuck up there that won't come out when you blow?
<Kelanie then pulled out a neatly folded Kleenex from her pocket while we explained to her that even if there is a kleenex barrier if she sticks her finger up her nose she is still picking her nose>
K: I don't know if I agree with that...do you have any sort of documentation for that?
L: I've definitely picked my nose once today, but the day is not over yet.
K: I want you to clarify that I use a kleenex. I'm a very responsible tissue carrier!
R: Kelanie- It's been almost two years since I designed your last album cover- How happy are you on a scale of 1-10 with what we made 2 years later?
K: I'm very happy. I would say at least ten. I'd say it's going up even more every couple of months.
L: I like it a lot because when I'm at our conferences and I'm pushing product it's easy to say it's the album that's just a half of her face.
R: Tag question- Did you know that you're the only Kelanie on iTunes?
K: Yes. Well...the only Kelanie spelled like that.
R: Liz did you know?
L: Mmhmm
R: You did know that?
L: No...I didn't...but I do now!
(Liz is a liar)
R: We all have iPhones. That's cool. Which Emoji do you most like to make fart?
L: The poop!
R: The smiley poop. That's a good one.
K: I like to make the monkey fart.
R: Mine's the camel.
L: The elephant's good. And the rat. Especially if you want to say "rat farts!"
6. Liz, I know Kelanie has gone all over the world, where have you had the opportunity to travel to?
L: Norway, Italy, England, Dominican Repulbic
R: Me too!
L: NINE times?
R: No...just the once...But I did get kicked out of Haiti while I was there. I was in Haiti for ten minutes then they kicked us out.
L: My coffee cup says RAZ.
R: I'm going to take a picture of that.
L: My nail polish matches your cell phone case.
K: It reminds me of Rick's guitar.
R: Yes! His classic guitar.
R: How do you feel about having more banjo in worship music?
K: I think I'm fine with it...I think it has to be done with care. They were created for bluegrass and we're using them in a very unconventional way. And there are people playing them that don't really know how.
R: Like Leonard Jones?
K: No. NONONO Don't say that. I never said that...Leonard has an instrument that's not a banjo...but it sounds like a banjo...so you play it like a guitar...so you don't actually have to learn the banjo.
L: I think that every worship leader should lead from a banjo.
R: I like that answer.
L: And there should definitely be a washtub bass. And those (clink clink clink) things.
R: The washboard?
L: Yeah the washboard.
R: If you could be any animal what would you be and why?
L: Annabelle. Absolutely. Her life if pretty perfect.
This is Kelanie's Dog, Annabelle.
K: I'd kind of like to be something that flies. LIke an eagle. Eagles are majestic and you're not really allowed to shoot them.
R: That's true. If you were an eagle you'd never get shot. And if you did your death would be mourned by all of America.
L: And they're gonna be the ones...they're gonna be the ones...I'm gonna leave it at that.
R: I had a person ask me in a job interview once if I would be willing to put together an IKEA bookcase, would you guys ever be willing to help me put together IKEA furniture?
L: Yeah.
K: Yeah I would. I've put some together myself. Actually when I moved into my house I had two bookcases. And there was a competition going on between some guys- two guys were putting one together and two guys were doing the other one together and the guys that won didn't put it together right-- they rushed through it and they had to start over...they lost.
R: So they won but then they lost?
K: Yeah they definitely lost.
R: Coming out of high school I almost studied History to become an archaeologist. If given the opportunity, would you ever go dig for dinosaur bones?
K: Absolutely. Well I would be looking for giants.
R: Giants?
K: If I found a dinosaur that would just be a bonus.
L: I just watched a whole documentary a few weeks ago about Stonehenge and all of the digging around trying to figure it out and I got jealous it looked like a lot of fun.
R: I think it would be lots of fun. There's a wall in England called Hadrian's wall- Hadrian was a Roman ruler- and no one really knows why it's there...And I always wanted to figure out why it was there. That was the one thing I wanted to do.
L: Plus you can look like complete butt everyday when you're an archaeologist.
R: And you can dress all Jurassic Park and stuff.
K: When I was in Israel we got to sift through a bucket of dirt from the Temple Mount. We found a piece of pottery that was pretty cool. There was lots of terra cotta...lots of bone...that was charred. Mosaics. Someone found a coin. That was only with five minutes' training too. So think of what you could find if you knew what you were doing! I would find a giant for sure.
R: How's your coffee?
L: Oh man...RAZ. It was RAZ-tastic.
K: Mine was good. With my honey latte. That I know that I like.
(Before Liz arrived I had this brief conversation with Kelanie about her honey latte)
K: My latte has a honey syrup in it.
R: I'm pretty sure honey by itself is a syrup...
R: How did you feel about solving issues through thumb wars? Was it an effective form
of conflict resolution?
K: I felt that it was unfair. I was clearly at a disadvantage. And I was trying to prevent an injury.
R: Well...yeah when your livelihood is in your own hands I can understand that.
L: I knew I was going to win so I liked it a lot! If there's a contest I'm going to win it.
R: Really? Any contest?
K: Singing contest!
R: Songwriting contest!
L: I've written 3 songs in my life. One of them was about a schoolbus. The other one was about poop. It was more like a rap. A poop rap.
"I ride on a school bus. It smells like a fart. The seats are plastic and they're torn apart."
R: Liz we had a conversation a few days ago about you using two specific words in a sentence--Did you complete your task?
L: Poop and Shellac? I didn't because I'm pretty sure you said you were going to do it.
R: I didn't. I implied that you were going to do it.
L: I'll do it now-- "My poop is never the texture of shellac."
K: "I'm gonna shellac my walls with your poop. "
K: This is not gonna be good for my reputation...Can you just not quote me on that?
R: No way--You said it. This is journalistic integrity at its finest!
L: It's on the record! I learned about that on Gilmore Girls.
R: Who would you ever sing with if you had the chance- be they dead or alive?
K: I don't want to sing with any dead people.
R: They'll come back to life and then you can sing with them.
L: This is hurting my brain.
K: Brandon Hampton!
R: I would sing with him too. But mostly because he's handsome.
K: Yeah...
L: I choose Bruce Cockburn. Look up "Pacing the Cage" and listen to it 7 times.
L: Can I have two answers?
R: Sure.
L: One of the four living creatures.
R: So instead of being the 5th Beatle you want to be the 5th Living creature?
K: Oh- Well I'd want to be on Alias. I want to be Sydney Bristow and wear a blue wig.
R: How do you feel about the movie "Muppet Treasure Island"
K: I adore that movie. "Dead Tom's dead! Long John Shot him!"
R: "But he's always been dead...that's why he's called Dead Tom..."
L: I...have not seen that movie.
K: Oh no...
R: That's not okay.
L: BUT KELANIE HASN'T SEEN BACK TO THE FUTURE OR BIG OR STEEL MAGNOLIAS OR DIRTY DANCING! (Liz would like to go on record to say that she feels it is very WRONG that Kelanie has not viewed any of these films with her eyeballs.)
R: Do you like your names?
L: Sometimes...
R: Are you an Elizabeth?
L: Yeah...but I'm only called that when I'm in trouble.
K: I loooove my first name. And I love my middle name. I'm willing to trade in my last name for a better one.
R: Well that's good to know since you have that option. (FELLAS)
K: Hopefully!
R: I don't like any of my names. The first two just feel too feminine. I don't feel like a Rachel. I would go for like an old fashioned name.
K: Like...Goldie?
R: That was my dog's name! So no.
K: Winnefred?
R: Yeah! Something along those lines.
K: I think you would have a title. You'd be Lady Godiva.
R: That would work I think!
K: People would love you.
R: You have both just been given 10,000 to spend on another person. You can only choose one person. Who would you spend it on...and what would you buy them?
L: How about you get me what I want...and I'll get you what you want.
K: I really want to buy gold with it...but know what I really wanted to do? That's all the money we need for all of the sound upgrades at IHOP Jax...so I would give it to Carlos Bosque so he could buy the sound system!
R: I'll let that one slide.
L: I was gonna buy you your inflatable ship but since that's not what I thought you wanted I'd just give it to my parents since I owe them at least that much.
R: What if YOU were given $10,000 to spend on yourself?
K: I would purchase as much silver and gold and I could- and go hunt giants.
L: I think I'd put it in the bank.
R: In the bank?
K: That's lame. I could always leave it in a trust fund for Annabelle.
L: Right...in case she needs anything.
R: For the creature that will not out-live you...
K: Right!
L: It would benefit me if I ever turn into her!
R: Star Wars or LOTR?
L: LOTR LOTR LOTR
K: STAR WARS!
L: Shut up!
K: I can say what I want! It depends on if you like space stuff or hobbit stuff.
R: Well Kelanie's answer was right.
K: Star Wars is more realistic.
L: I have also never seen Star Wars...
R: Umm...we're gonna have to fix whatever's wrong with your brain and go see all these awesome movies that you've been missing out on because for the love of our Lord Jesus Christ you need to see them! They will enrich your soul!
R: So you have a dog named Annabelle, and Liz you love to babysit Annabelle, so I'll ask you- Why do you hate cats?
Both: Who hates cats!?
R: I just wanted to see your reaction to that one. (It was worth it)
L: My cat didn't love me mainly because I tortured her.
R: I had a cat that didn't love me either because we tortured her too.
(and some stories about tossing cats later...)
K: I want to go on record as the only one at this table who has not tossed a cat.
We had fun. We discussed some important and some not so important issues. But I feel as if I have lived up to the integrity of this blog as keeping it a nonsense blog. Next time I want some feedback! What would you want to ask these two? Who else would you want me to have coffee with?
All photos (except for Rick) and artwork are the property of Rachel Zink.
At the ripe old age of 19 I landed a job in a studio as a photo retoucher. I was completely unqualified for the job. But somehow they saw some potential and soon I was cranking out beautiful photos like clockwork. Unlike most other jobs that require you to sit at a computer all day, this job required me to sit at a computer all day and stare blankly at photos of complete strangers.
It was a little awkward at first...constantly staring at a face on your computer screen and trying not to feel like a complete creeper. Assessing every flaw on a person's face on a daily basis also jacks up your perception in real life. I often found myself staring at my friends in conversations and just wishing I could photoshop their faces in real life. I can't tell you how many thousands of faces I saw in my years at that job, but I can tell you that I only remember one: His name is Joseph Davitt.
This kid was special. This kid had it all together. This kid went beyond caring about his pictures and made them almost laughable.
Joseph's photos made such an impact on my life that I still keep one of them in my wallet to this day. No, I did not steal one of his photos from his mother. We had to print test prints quite often to calibrate the colors on our printers and I always chose his pictures for the job. Since we had so many I kept one for posterity.
Let me explain why I enjoyed his photos so much: He is a ginger. He is a ginger and he wore hawaiian shirts in almost every scene. His mother purchased a 24x30 print of JUST HIS FACE-- if you don't know, that's a huge print. We almost never sold prints that big because they're just massive. But she wanted that one. And she wanted just his face.
There was a certain scene which involved lots of doodles on a giant chalkboard wall. Within this wall of doodles there was a spot in which the student could write whatever they wanted. Most chose to write phrases along the lines of "Class of 2010!" or "Go My Favorite Sports Team!" but not Joseph. No...he was too good for that. He saw through the rouse and got right down to the heart of it.
What did he write?
"It is what it is."
He was brilliant. I will never forget that crazy ginger named Joseph Davitt. Yes I seem like a crazy person for keeping a picture of a teenager that I had never met. I really cannot express in words how his pictures made me feel...but isn't that what art is all about? This kid is practically the Andy Warhol of our generation.
#art
Side note: I just noticed that in the right hand corner it says "Fuel fart" Tee hee hee
When I was twelve years old I discovered sarcasm. I couldn't believe how I had gone for so long without using such a wonderful technique of speech. It was my new favorite thing. I was obsessed. I used it constantly. And no one liked it.
I remember very vividly being in the sixth grade. Our classroom was very plain. I didn't like my teacher, Mr. Yee, because he always lectured us on not watching R rated movies and made sure we didn't fold our books open too far because it ruined the binding and that made the pages fall out. He had a lisp. But he also gave us lots of free time to sit around and I liked that. He had bean bags in his classroom. My forth grade teacher had a library fort and he had bean bags? Amateur.
One day I found myself sitting on the bean bags with my friends and we were talking. I was at a particular point in my adolescence when I had some friends that were not necessarily the best friends for me. I wore my hair up in one of those half-hearted ponytail buns and was pretending to like whatever my friends were into. In seventh grade I discovered The Beatles and my life was forever changed.
Sitting on the bean bags I found myself being extra chatty that day. I was pushing my friends buttons. I was being sarcastic with some things you really shouldn't be sarcastic about. They were sick of my talking. Mr. Yee announced that it was time for lunch and to walk down to the cafeteria. My friends stood, gave me a look I will never forget and walked out the door without me.
This is one of those situations where I don't remember exactly what was said but I do remember exactly how I felt. I was alone. My friends didn't like me anymore and they had just abandoned me to eat lunch by myself. I was (and still am) extremely picky with who I will let to be my friends and my new found love of sarcasm had just poo poo'd all over all of my finely crafted friendships.
I remember standing in the lunch line trying to figure out my plan. I wasn't hungry but I grabbed some chicken fingers anyway. I paid and found myself standing with my tray in my hand staring at a cafeteria full of people who didn't want me. It was exactly like the movies where the main character is standing with their tray in their hands staring at a cafeteria of people who don't want them. Except it was real life. And I was twelve, quiet and super insecure. I spotted a table where no one was sitting and sat by myself. I thought if I could just eat and get through lunch then everything would be fine. If I just sat there by myself it would all be okay.
Except I went to a Christian school. And they teach us that Jesus would never let someone eat lunch by themselves. My heart was beating out of my chest. My cheeks were red with embarrassment. Both sets of cheeks. And suddenly I was approached by someone. That someone was the school's handyman who had taken a liking to me since the fourth grade. He liked to teach us life lessons using Beanie Babies. He was so nice and caring of course he had to come and check on me.
He asked me why I was sitting all by myself. I started crying. Ugly crying. Awkward loud crying. That kind of crying where you take lots of deep breaths and your shoulders spasm uncontrollably. My cheeks were even more red now.
Oh God. I couldn't stop. People were staring. He didn't know what to do. I couldn't say what was wrong. I couldn't say that my friends hated me because I was crying too much.
Then I found myself surrounded by some classmates. These were all girls who I had been in classes with since the second grade when our school opened. We weren't friends but they wanted to eat with me. So I said they could join me even though I was crying and everyone was staring and I knew they offered just because I was crying.
I learned so much that day. I probably went home and took a huge nap just from being emotionally exhausted. Sarcasm and me had to have a talk after that. We needed to take a break because it had turned me into an annoying little snot that had to eat chicken fingers by herself. But now I am thankful for the lessons that I learned. I was thankful for that handyman who noticed I was dying a little by sitting by myself. I was thankful for those girls whose heart broke for their weird classmate. But I definitely wasn't thankful for my friends who abandoned me. We're no longer friends. But later I became such good friends with those girls who sat with me. They were nice & listened to Jesus. I still don't like chicken fingers that much anymore.
In our house lives a small creature. He is an overweight cat who acts just like a big baby. That is why his name is Baby. He likes to plop down on the ground in front of you and beg for either love or food. It's almost always food. His meow is pitiful and I just imagine this is what he is thinking.
This is my first attempt at a comic so pardon me if it is not up to snuff. I still have a long way to go!
This post will be not only a review of the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco at Taco Bell but also a reminder of my first review for the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco that was released last year.
The time has come, my friends! The day has finally arrived. I have eaten a taco and am anxious to tell you of my feelings toward that taco. I might write the taco a note to see if it likes me back. I would love to go on a date with the taco. Uhhh...but first let's take a journey. A journey to almost exactly one year ago-- to my first experience with the Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco. Here is a small excerpt from my review:
"After my last bite of this taco I reminisced on the food I had just consumed. The main problem I had was the actual flavor. It lacked the overwhelming flavor of Doritos, which I didn't expect. I thought my mouth was going to be drop-kicked with flavor, but this did not happen. It was salty, kind of boring, it was missing something. A special sauce? Baja maybe? Nacho cheese? I really wasn't too impressed. There might have been a chance that this could have been the most delicious taco in the world, but at the end of it I was just glad it was over. I also really didn't enjoy having my hands covered in Dorito dust at the end. I know some folks enjoy that aspect, but to me it just made this already messy taco even messier."
And here is my original chart illustrating the tastes that I experienced while eating my taco:
Needless to say I wasn't a fan. And I haven't eaten one since then. However when I heard that they were releasing the Cool Ranch version of this taco I thought "here is their chance to redeem themselves". I enjoy this flavor of Doritos. If I had to choose between the two I would always choose the blue bag. Red bag isn't favorite. So when I woke up this morning I was excited to try this new taco for lunch.
(Even though I do not enjoy crunchy tacos, I try and review these tacos as if I did enjoy crunchy tacos.
I also ordered the supreme version of this taco and, once again, my local Taco Bell location were a little crazy with their sour cream dispersion. That is also reflected in my review.)
Upon opening my taco from its wrapper I was immediately disappointed. Apparently my Taco Bell were not given the new taco wrappers for this new taco and I found myself staring at a Nacho Cheese colored wrapper. I made a raspberry noise and gave them a thumbs down for this one.
I've gotta be honest that this was a little disappointing. There's no way they could have run out of the wrappers already so I have no idea what excuse they're using for this. After discarding the wrapper I was greeted with the lovely sight of a taco shell covered with those little bits of spice that I have come to love so much through the years.
Then it was on. First bite impressions: This is tasty. The more I ate the tastier it became. This shell wasn't salty and gross like the other one. It added just enough flavor to the taco to make it a delightful experience. Even though I do not typically enjoy crunchy tacos, I would get this taco again because these are the flavors I experienced as I ate this taco:
Yes there was still too much sour cream. But that's between my Taco Bell and I. All in all, I'd say this is a taco worth trying. Is it the best taco I've ever had? No. Is this a halfway decent option from Taco Bell? Definitely. I think the next time I order it I will go with the supreme again but instead of the sour cream have them add some Baja sauce. I typically add Baja to my soft tacos and it's very tasty. I do believe it will be even tastier with this taco shell.
