When I was twelve years old I discovered sarcasm. I couldn't believe how I had gone for so long without using such a wonderful technique of speech. It was my new favorite thing. I was obsessed. I used it constantly. And no one liked it.
I remember very vividly being in the sixth grade. Our classroom was very plain. I didn't like my teacher, Mr. Yee, because he always lectured us on not watching R rated movies and made sure we didn't fold our books open too far because it ruined the binding and that made the pages fall out. He had a lisp. But he also gave us lots of free time to sit around and I liked that. He had bean bags in his classroom. My forth grade teacher had a library fort and he had bean bags? Amateur.
One day I found myself sitting on the bean bags with my friends and we were talking. I was at a particular point in my adolescence when I had some friends that were not necessarily the best friends for me. I wore my hair up in one of those half-hearted ponytail buns and was pretending to like whatever my friends were into. In seventh grade I discovered The Beatles and my life was forever changed.
Sitting on the bean bags I found myself being extra chatty that day. I was pushing my friends buttons. I was being sarcastic with some things you really shouldn't be sarcastic about. They were sick of my talking. Mr. Yee announced that it was time for lunch and to walk down to the cafeteria. My friends stood, gave me a look I will never forget and walked out the door without me.
This is one of those situations where I don't remember exactly what was said but I do remember exactly how I felt. I was alone. My friends didn't like me anymore and they had just abandoned me to eat lunch by myself. I was (and still am) extremely picky with who I will let to be my friends and my new found love of sarcasm had just poo poo'd all over all of my finely crafted friendships.
I remember standing in the lunch line trying to figure out my plan. I wasn't hungry but I grabbed some chicken fingers anyway. I paid and found myself standing with my tray in my hand staring at a cafeteria full of people who didn't want me. It was exactly like the movies where the main character is standing with their tray in their hands staring at a cafeteria of people who don't want them. Except it was real life. And I was twelve, quiet and super insecure. I spotted a table where no one was sitting and sat by myself. I thought if I could just eat and get through lunch then everything would be fine. If I just sat there by myself it would all be okay.
Except I went to a Christian school. And they teach us that Jesus would never let someone eat lunch by themselves. My heart was beating out of my chest. My cheeks were red with embarrassment. Both sets of cheeks. And suddenly I was approached by someone. That someone was the school's handyman who had taken a liking to me since the fourth grade. He liked to teach us life lessons using Beanie Babies. He was so nice and caring of course he had to come and check on me.
He asked me why I was sitting all by myself. I started crying. Ugly crying. Awkward loud crying. That kind of crying where you take lots of deep breaths and your shoulders spasm uncontrollably. My cheeks were even more red now.
Oh God. I couldn't stop. People were staring. He didn't know what to do. I couldn't say what was wrong. I couldn't say that my friends hated me because I was crying too much.
Then I found myself surrounded by some classmates. These were all girls who I had been in classes with since the second grade when our school opened. We weren't friends but they wanted to eat with me. So I said they could join me even though I was crying and everyone was staring and I knew they offered just because I was crying.
I learned so much that day. I probably went home and took a huge nap just from being emotionally exhausted. Sarcasm and me had to have a talk after that. We needed to take a break because it had turned me into an annoying little snot that had to eat chicken fingers by herself. But now I am thankful for the lessons that I learned. I was thankful for that handyman who noticed I was dying a little by sitting by myself. I was thankful for those girls whose heart broke for their weird classmate. But I definitely wasn't thankful for my friends who abandoned me. We're no longer friends. But later I became such good friends with those girls who sat with me. They were nice & listened to Jesus. I still don't like chicken fingers that much anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment